The Circle of Life...

I am at the stage in my life where I have to confront the unfinished business of my past. I have pushed to make a career as a broadcaster. I am fairly well known as a broadcast media marketer. I've been on the air occasionally as a host and co-host... I made my mom and dad proud...

And now, mom and dad have passed on... My dad made his transition on May 18, 2005... Mom left us suddenly on October 30, 2006. These events landed me in my hometown for lengths of time far longer than I have ever been since the age of seventeen, when I went off and joined the Marines.... Oh sure, I would come home for a weekend... talk to my dad and kiss my mom, but never in my adult life had I spent more than two - three days at home... or maybe a short leave of 14 days or so...

Now, here I am... In these brief years since my parent's passing, I have spent more time in my hometown than ever before. I am like a fish out of water here... After a lifestyle of continuous music and media, I am now in the midst of quiet solitude. I am closing out my parent's lifetime of success, spirituality and collections...

It is very very quiet here. I do not have any connections to any of my friends from back in the day. My home church is not the place as I feel I have outgrown it spiritually. And so I commute two hours on most Sundays so I can attend my church... or watch it on the Internet.

The good thing is that I have connected with my daughter (from my first marriage) in a way that we have never been connected before. She is a young woman with four (yes. 4) children. Wow!! I have four beautiful grandchildren. I have been able to help her in times of trouble, but it is still a work in progress... pray for me here.... Nonetheless I am able to spend time with the young ones... and that is a huge blessing!!!

I learned about my first love. I have often wondered where she was and how she was doing... Over the years I had even found myself looking for her on the Internet.... I found her sister on Classmates.com, and we made contact... I learned that my friend was murdered more than ten years ago and her body has never been found. I was devastated. I had to share with them the news of my parents as they knew them too... My mom and her mom were in the Navy together... They shared tidbits of the story with me.... This event tripped me out because I did not know... I had not heard the news... I even wonder if our episode in life caused her to make the choices in life... Was I the cause of her destructive lifestyle?

In the '70's, When I went away to the Marine Corps, I had no real claim to a girlfriend. But this girl and I had an unspoken love between us... In high school we went on quite a few dates... We spent quality time together... And in the years after school, even when I did not purpose to see her when I came home on leave, we would run into each other, and go out....

Somehow, I planned to marry my baby's momma. I really should have never done this, but hey that's a whole blog by itself.... I ran into my friend and asked her to dinner specifically for the purpose of telling her I was going to get married... I even had the rings in my pocket. We went to a nice place... we even got on the subject of marriage, but I did not have the courage to tell her.... On my wedding day, there was a reception in the hall next to mine... Coincidentally it was the wedding of a young lady who went to school with me... I kissed my mom and thanked her for pulling together such a beautiful wedding ceremony and went to change my clothes... As I turned from my mom, I bumped into someone... it was my friend.... I was devastated. I really did not know what to say... She was visibly hurt.... deeply hurt.

I never saw her again......

I talked to her on the phone once or twice.. just to see how she was doing and to apologize... My marriage lasted a few months and I moved on to Los Angeles.

This was years ago.... and as time has passed I have wondered every now and again how she was doing, was she happy... how many children did she have... did she ever realize her dream of being a veterinarian.... But instead of all that, I learned of her demise... And I did not learn of it until more than ten years after her death.

I have to admit, I cried for an entire weekend after learning this.

I have been married for more than 23 years. My spouse is my best friend, no doubt. She is rolling through this part of my life right with me... The passing of my parents changed her too as she was really close to them particularly my dad.

The passing of my parents has been a life changing experience. I am back in my hometown now... commuting to the City for work, church and events... I am spending quality time with my daughter and her children... I am in a space of quiet solitude where I can hone and increase my creative gifts...

I don't know how long this will last.... This town is not me... But for now, it is what it is... and the next generation needs me....

wow. The Circle of Life...